Navigating Mother’s Day with Infertility Can Be Heavy

We know, we’ve been there. Mother’s Day, while dealing with infertility, can be one of the heaviest days of the year. 

• It’s a reminder of what you don’t have.
  
  

• The day shines a spotlight on your desire to be a mom, and the fact that you aren’t.
  
  

• Media—including ads, commercials, emails, and more—are saturated with Mother’s Day messaging.
  
  

• Your own friends and family, whether IRL or on social media, share details of their picture-perfect Mother’s Day moments.

You aren’t alone if you find early May difficult, and it’s completely understandable to need space from the messaging and time to be in your feelings about your experiences.

We want you to know—we see you. Motherhood begins in the heart, long before anything grows. You're a mother, too. Even if the day’s celebrations feel exclusionary. 

We asked licensed marriage and family therapist Claire Blakey to share a few tips to help you navigate motherhood while dealing with infertility, loss, or a trying-to-conceive journey you didn't expect. We hope it helps get you through this season.

If you’re wading through grief and loss while trying to conceive, it’s possible your heart has already endured unfathomable trauma, profound loss, and personal procedures that feel tender to speak about.

This Mother’s Day, honor all the parts of your process. Maybe a part of you wants to celebrate other moms in your life or feels gratitude for all you’ve endured; maybe there’s a part of you that is enraged or numb and has no capacity to celebrate. Honor both. In therapy, we call these Internal Family Systems (IFS), and it means holding duality and expressions and tending to the different parts, differently. Duality doesn’t mean disconnect—holding both the gratitude and the disappointment can be a deeply healing part of the process. (And if you’re not there yet, that’s okay too.)

In practice, this could look like sending a text to a new mom, because you truly are happy for her and want to celebrate her. And also silencing your phone after to prioritize tending to the part of you that feels heavy or disheartened. 

You may be grieving—a physical loss, the journey you thought you’d have, the life you imagined for yourself. You’re allowed to be sad, angry, or enraged. You’re allowed to grieve, even if others don’t understand or expect differently. How you grieve is up to you, but remember to be gentle with yourself.

Don’t compare yourself to last year’s you. So much can happen in a year—both positive and negative—and if this holiday is hitting you differently than it has in the past, that’s to be expected. Your experience has changed you. 

While finding the bright spots can be helpful (maybe you know more about your diagnosis, maybe your numbers have improved, maybe you’ve figured out a better protocol), it’s also enough just to know that you’ve grown because of this experience. An infertility journey is difficult, and we know all that you’ve done and how strong you are. You can make today a personal celebration of your own journey—however it looks to you.

Sometimes just sitting in your feelings and acknowledging the heartache is enough to get through a tough holiday. But, if you’re someone who feels recharged by being around your loved ones, make sure to set aside time to do that too. A community of fertility warriors who have been through it can be a balm when times feel tough. Even friends who may not know what you’re going through, but can be there for you with the support you need, can help. Leaning on your support system—your friends, family, partner, mental-health professionals, and others—is allowed. You can ask for what you need to help make this weekend a bit easier.