How to Make Sex More Fun When Trying to Conceive

There are a few reasons why having sex to get pregnant can make intimacy and your sex life a little complicated.

When trying to conceive, you’re likely focusing on a particular goal (like getting pregnant) instead of using “pleasure as the measure,” as Dr. Emily Nagoski says. Which means the quality of the sex you’re having or the pleasure you derive from it, is likely secondary to that new goal. And if that goal isn’t accomplished just yet, well, that can put undue stress on your relationship, making sex less enjoyable.

Studies show that up to 25% of men are affected by performance anxiety. Having sex to get pregnant could be seen as the ultimate performance test, and worry about the outcome can increase anxiety around sex. Ultimately, this makes sex less playful and more about something to achieve.

Unfortunately, the fertile window—and your positive ovulation test—wait for no one. Ideally, you’re having sex when the mood strikes for you and your partner, but trying to conceive throws your natural rhythm and timeline out the window, with a very clear date and time where it *needs* to happen. It’s a bummer if you’re not in the mood, but can be extremely difficult when you’re also working around busy schedules and social lives.

If you’re one of the 40% of women who experience painful intercourse at some point in their lives, having sex to get pregnant can be particularly challenging. If your mind is telling you you’re ready to go, but your body is reacting with pain, that dissonance can lead to frustration and sadness during what should be an exciting time.

• Talk about sex before you have it.
  If you’re feeling stressed or worried about sex while trying to conceive, talk about it beforehand so you and your partner can each get on the same page and support one another emotionally. Staying open and honest with clear communication about how each of you are feeling can make you feel more connected with each other.
  
  
• Take your time.
  As Amy Baldwin, sex educator and host of Shameless Sex says “Go slow. And then go slower than slow.” If you’re being intentional about taking your time and actually savoring the moment, you’re more likely to feel more calm and present.

• Try something new.
  If you’re open, try a fun new sex position or find a new place in your home to have sex. Buy a new sex toy or try dirty talking if you don’t typically do that. This novelty can add fun and adventure to the sexual experience—it can be reframed as something you’re looking forward to, or something new at a time when your sex life might feel very routine.
  
  
• Do non-timebound activities outside of the bedroom.
  Sex is important, but it isn’t the only way to foster connection and intimacy. Since you have to have sex when your OPK says so, take some of the pressure off the non-sexual activities you do together. Go for a walk without your phones. Cook or bake something together on a Sunday afternoon. Read your favorite books side by side. These activities outside the bedroom allow for reconnection and intimacy that can be banked for when you are having sex, even if it’s not the most ideal time.
  
  
• Bring in an expert's help.
  If you’re struggling to navigate this challenging chapter in your relationship, you can seek support from a couples therapist or a sex therapist. An expert can guide you and your partner to feel more connected and less stressed.